Thursday, December 1, 2011

SOME PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE IN SANTA. Hey, it's a free country; believe what you like.

BUT... "Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus." The Sept. 21, 1897 New York Sun editorial gave us this famous line in answer to a little girl's questioning Santa's existence. The newsman wasn't off the mark either. Historians know Nicholas was born  in 270 A.D., and became Bishop of Myra in Asia Minor. Bishop Nicholas died on December 6, 343 A.D. and was buried in his Cathedral at Myra. In 1087 A.D., Christians transferred his remains to Bari, Italy because of the Muslim Seljuk conquest of Asia Minor; after which, this Islamic over-lordship eventually became known as the Islamic nation of Turkey. The remains of Bishop Nicholas' Cathedral, and his first burial site is now a tourist attraction maintained by the Turkish tourist industry in Demre [Turkish name for Myra]. Turks claim it to be Santa Claus' home-base. At any rate, December 6th is still celebrated all around the Christian world as Saint Nicholas Day.

    CHRISTIANS: Anglican, Catholic, Congregational, Episcopal, Evangelische, Lutheran, Methodist-Episcopal, Orthodox and Protestant Episcopal congregants still prayerfully recite the "Apostle's Creed" wherein the Apostles taught followers of Jesus Christ about the "communion of saints;" meaning average Christians can ask family members and/or Christian members on the other side [i.e. Saints] for prayers. According to ancient Christian belief, the saintly Bishop Nicholas is living on the other shore; and we can communicate [communion of saints] with him, presently in 2011.

     SAINT NICHOLAS over the past 17 centuries also became lovingly known as Kris Kringle, as well as Sant Nicklaus and Sinterklaas which has linguistically morphed into Santa Claus. Some people in English-speaking nations loved the duplex idea of Father Christmas; and the Communist atheists of Russia -- forced by their own dogmatic atheism of intolerance and rejection of God and spirituality -- had to invent Father Frost as a replacement for Christianity's Nicholas.

     THE SANTA CLAUS of our modern era -- especially over the past century -- acquired the furry-edging on the red Bishop's tunic. Santa's Bishop Miter became a red hat with furry pompom at the end. The Santa Claus legend has also grown into a fable well beyond logic too. Santa now lives at the North Pole with elves who make toys for Christmas presents. Jolly Old Saint Nick flies around the world in a sleigh powered by eight named reindeer, headed by Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer guiding the way. Santa slips down the chimney to leave his presents under the Christmas tree. He eats children's offerings of cookies and milk, then tweaks his nose and flies back up the chimney and into his sleigh, onward to the next house. In the spirit of being a believer in what the good Saint Nicholas can do, and what his persona might do... here's my 2011 Wish List Letter to Santa:

DEAR SANTA, I didn't leave you any cookies and milk next to my woodstove [which incidentally burns only organically grown wood pellets] because Michelle Obama is teaching us to eat mostly arugula and tofu; plus I've seen drawings of you which Coca Cola has published for decades; and frankly Santa, you are obese. And another thing; I hope all my energy-saving solar panels from Solyndra for my hot water tank and deepfreeze on the roof didn't cause too much of a landing problem for your sleigh, eight reindeer or Rudolph. And a couple of questions too: Why don't you include antelope, caribou, springbok and whitetail deer into the mix of your transportation? Don't you believe in species diversity? And one word of advice too: You should be distributing toy-cars and trucks to girls, and dolls or toy-stoves to boys. From now on, you better intermix gender specific toys, because college professors and politically-corrected psychologists tell us there's absolutely no difference between boys and girls. A few more questions too: is it true you pack heat when you land in crime-infested neighborhoods? Who do you think you are? Mr. Fast and Furious? Anyway, here is my wish list for Christmas:

     1.) PLEASE GIVE ME a brand new idea what to do with my 16-year-old, re-gifted fruitcake. I've used it for an anchor and as a doorstop. It's really indestructible; even mold won't grow on it. Re-gifting never works either, it always comes back.

     2.) CAN YOU GIVE ME a lifetime membership to PETA? I want to be a card-carrying member of PETA: NOT the loony-tune outfit that tortures tofu, is cruel to carrots, pains parsley, bashes Bulgar-wheat and sells soy sauces. I mean the real PETA: the People Eating Tasty Animals organization.

     3.) I WOULD LIKE a 40-m.p.g. Ford product. Although normally I'm a Chevy and GM guy, it has to be admitted: Ford has not willingly become an economic burden or slave for government plantation masters in Washington, D.C.

     4.) I NEED TV COMMERCIALS around lunchtime and suppertime that don't make me blush, or turn my stomach. No more sickening side effects of drugs, explicit advice for erections lasting longer than four hours, nor absorbency capabilities of sanitary napkins. Same goes for tissue softness comparisons for butt-wipe. Bodily functions make it difficult to hold down my arugula. Although in all honesty, if any species of arugula -- whether Arctic, Saharan or Chilean -- landed on my plate, I still couldn't identify which was which.

     5.) WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE that you might kindly put gorilla tape securely on Joe Biden, Gloria Alred and Snooky's mouths?

     Thank you Santa, that's not such a long list, nor too much to ask. I've basically been a very good boy; except for when I willingly burned styrofoam to see if it enlarged the ozone hole; and especially the one time I voted for George McGovern. Oops, and I must confess, I find it hard to believe in global warming since I've purposely avoided Al Gore's "Earth in the Balance" movie/torture. But all in all, Santa, I've cancelled any bad energy wastefulness [and will actually erase my carbon footprint from now on] since my Christmas Tree will be lighted only with energy-saving LED lights made by forced child-labor in China; and I bought them at Walmart too. This is in addition to the Solyndra panels, organic pellets, and also, an old "Hudson Bay" woolen blanket.

                                                         You can call me:
                                                         Environmentally-bodacious Bob

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